Insights From a Wife (used by permission)
 

It is very clear from your letters and conversations that we have some important issues to discuss and work on towards resolving our marriage. I appreciate your honesty in revealing your secret torment to me. I see that as a healthy first step in the direction of healing.

True love, as I see it, always seeks another person's highest good whether that involves pain and discomfort for themselves or their beloved. If you love someone you will want what is best for them in the long run and according to God's plans. Because of this I must make it clear that your gender disorder does pose a substantial threat to our marriage. It is kind of like a cancer or gangrene that if not taken care of will spread and kill the whole thing. It is also kind of like the ring of power in the movie, "Lord of the Rings." The more you wear it, the more power it has over you and ultimately it tries to take over in your life and become the sole focus of your attention. After Gollum had it for awhile, he called it his "precious" and it was like an idol that ruled over all of his thoughts and affections. It became a total obsession for him. It started out like a simple thing, a pretty gold ring that looked harmless but it had the power to destroy anyone that kept if for long. That is why Frodo had to toss it into the fires of Mordor even though the journey seemed hopeless and impossible. To keep it would have been even worse.

I am not sure how you procured your "ring of power" but I do know that it will do you no good and that if even it seems impossible to "throw it into the fires of Mordor" that is the only option that allows for a healthy marriage in the future. Marriage is an exclusive thing: one man and one woman -- not one woman and another ---or a triangle of a mess, a fantasy life and a woman.

I know that secular psychology sometimes tries to make it that the wife of a man with GID should just live with it because her husband is the "poor victim" of some kind of genetic problem that is incurable. I believe that the root causes of GID is found in the deep heart wounds that happened in early childhood from feelings of rejection. It became an unhealthy coping strategy for trying to feel accepted and have love needs met. Each person that develops this problem has different situations -- not all of them had parents that wanted them to be girls. In the same manner each person who falls into bulimia or alcoholism has a different set of circumstances that they are dealing with. They choose addictive behaviors to try to help them cope with these same feelings of rejection and not knowing how to fill their unmet love needs.

I suppose that the solution would be try to delve back into the past to determine the reason for the feelings of rejection and then learn healthy and Godly ways of having those love needs met. For deep wounds of the heart, there can be a very long and difficult process involving much counseling and much prayer.

You tell me that secular psychologists you have seen have not helped you significantly or given you much hope (despite their scientific training and advanced degrees). Jerry does not offer a "quick fix" with a couple of Bible verses thrown at you. Healing takes time -- usually a couple of years and even then, temptations can reappear just as "cured" alcoholics can experience desires to drink at times.

I attribute Jerry's success to the fact that he includes God and prayer in the counseling process. I believe that God is the only ONE who can truly heal our hearts and meet our deepest needs for love. Please remember that Jesus Himself had no degrees in science or modern psychology, yet He healed people much more effectively than all of the doctors. I have nothing against doctors and scientists. God can work through them but when the problem is of a spiritual nature . . . like "filling unmet love needs," we need to add a supernatural dimension to the solution.

Another issue: you suggested in your recent letter that I might be the cause of your problem because I have failed to meet your love needs. Let me say first of all that no person should be so arrogant as to say that their behavior is so perfect that there are no ways in which they could improve it. Everyone can find ways to do better. It would also be foolish to say that our behavior has no effect upon others. Nevertheless, I suspect that you may be looking for me to "fill the cup of your life," in ways that only God can. I would like to refer you to a book that directly addresses our need to take ownership of our own problems rather than blaming everyone else for the way we are. (chapter 5 of God Will Make a Way, by Gary Smalley & John Trent).

Clearly God is the only One who can meet our deepest needs. If we are to have a working marriage we need to work towards cutting out the "cancerous growth" that is going to kills us. I am glad to work on improving myself and my role in marriage, but I love you enough to tell you that I am not the cause of your problem! People do not have that degree of power over others. We "choose" our addictions as a young child. We do have free will. Wrong thinking about ourselves leads to unhealthy behavior. When the thinking is corrected, the behaviors become healthy, too. Remember "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he," (Proverbs 23:7)

I write this letter because I'm trying to seek your highest good!

Much love,
 

MY PASSIONATE PURSUIT
BY JERRY

Journal entry weeks prior to scheduled sex change surgery:

"I cannot escape the relentless desires and thoughts of my heart to fulfill my long awaited dream. But I'm no longer just a mere dreamer...I am now pushing myself headlong into what my heart has truly wanted all of these years.

I will not let anything or anyone stop me! I cannot allows other's views deter me from reaching my true destiny. It is the only thing that now gives me purpose for living. It is my life, my true love. All that would detain me must get out of my way!

I want to believe that you, God, are with me in this venture. But even if You're not, I say to You, as well, "get out of my way!!!!" I can and will do nothing other than this. I will be a woman no matter the cost. Nothing or no one will stop me!"